shipwrecked…

half awake i wander through my day
sometimes dreaming
sometimes fearing
the corners of my own thoughts
as if there were some evil there
(it’s just a childish nightmare…)
all i ‘ve sought was love
not always that with passion
but that love which is willing to give
not decreed to be given
by some collared representative of god
(it’s just a childish wish…)
my body seems formless one moment
caught in a repeating nightmare
floating with only the sound of my heart beat
then vibrant like the sound
a morning sunrise should make
alive with all the  wonders of life
like a child seeing his first parade
(it’s just a childish vision…)
i’m caught in this cycle
i ‘m the board which holds the anchor of the ship
and although the rest of the ship is gone
i am bound to these shores
crashing upon the rocks at low tide
and floating freely in the waves at high tide
(it’s just a childish sensation…)
soon the sea will rust these chains
and i shall float freely
without being held to these shores
till then
i must hold fast to what can be
and live with what is
and wander with the ebb and flow
that has brought me to these shores
(it is just the fate of men…)

 

 

https://slpmartin.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/shipwrecked.mp3

25 thoughts on “shipwrecked…

  1. This is a nice poem. Definitely could use a little more fine tuning to really tighten up a few places. The word choice, for the most part is very strong and convincing. Continued work on this poem would definitely improve it, but as it is, the poem is very strong.

    The one glaring word choice or content problem I had with this poem was ” … by some collared representative of god …” I am not exactly sure what it is about this particular line, but it bothers me and takes me away from the poem. I have a hard time entering the poem again as a result. I understand that this is a simple way of referring to a priest; however, the description seems forced and unneeded in the poem. I believe a line such as “by an earthly vicar” is stronger and more accessible for an audience. I guess my true problem with your line is the use of the word “some.” This word is too colloquial in this context and seems to detract from the overall intelligence of the poem.

    I realize that this is a VERY nit-picky aspect to this poem. The poem is very strong and definitely is well written. Small adjustments to word choice and meter could really make this poem exceptional.

    These are just my opinions and are probably little to no help to a writer of your caliber. I invite you, if you have the time, to check out my poems and give your criticisms.

    • Thanks for your comments and I appreciate your taking the time to write. Since I’m pretty much a country boy, well as my British friends would say…a commoner, I have never used the word “vicar” in a sentence. 🙂 I have visited you site and commented on you excellent poem that used the magic theme…as Dustus (http://dustus.wordpress.com/ ) has said poems that deal with contemporary issues are difficutl to write, you may wish to view his site to see some of his work. Again many thanks for your comments.

  2. Excellent poem (like usual) slpmartin:) Good job!
    I don’t want to fuel into the conversation, but I think the word representative of god, the way slpmartin used is an excellent choice, I explain: god with some “g” is different from God with capital “G”. The way Slpmartin wrote it does only mean a representative of a beliefs, which can be anyone or anything.
    Keep it this way Slpmartin, it gives your poem or more universal approach. Love it!

    an interesting link to read if you have time:
    http://atheism.about.com/od/doesgodexist/a/capitalization.htm

    • Thanks Mirella…I did read the article and appreciate your comments…learning to me is the process of listening and then synthesizing it into something new.

    • I am sorry for the mistake in my message. When I wrote it I was a little bit excited:) this must have pushed a buttom:)

      • It seemed to push a number of buttons for readers…but that’s whatI believe poetry does…it evokes an emotion and it need not be a one-way street emotion…but an emotion…thank you so much for commenting and thinking about what I write…it is truly an honor for me.

  3. Interesting discussion! There are so many lines in this poem that grabbed me. One in particular was “some collared representative of god” — it evoked a visual that is universal (Catholic? :)), and I personally would not change that. Since good poetry can afford to be less terse than good prose, substituting “vicar” or “priest” or “minister” would detract from the colorfulness, IMO.

  4. your words so vividly depict a shipwreck – either real or in our hearts. well done Charles.
    go to my site to pick up an award – you deserve it
    moondustwriter.com

  5. Pingback: Promising Poet Award! « Art is My Religion

  6. I’m feeling your style. It’s rhythmic and very progressive. I found myself relating to these feelings of attachment to things only within my own imagination and beliefs. I think you have a pulse of unconscience fear.

    Nicely put….

  7. “floating with only the sound of my heart beat
    then vibrant like the sound
    a morning sunrise should make”

    You opened it up as a nightmare, but it becomes something like a dream. The contrast is such good imagery for the up and down cycles we face in life. Love it.

  8. The board holds the anchor.

    I think this is just so wonderful.
    What great images.
    I do love the audio.

    Sometimes maybe we could practice:
    I never seen no Vicars round here.
    What’s a Vicar?
    Hey preacher, you a Vicar yet?

    You are a straight shooter and very un-common.
    thank you for that

  9. Beautiful. Absolutely. I love the “sometimes fearing/the corners of my own thoughts”. “Corners of my own thoughts”, how apt. I also enjoy the repetition. Something of this reminds me of Edgar Lee Masters’ “George Grey”

  10. “half awake i wander through my day
    sometimes dreaming
    sometimes fearing
    the corners of my own thoughts
    as if there were some evil there
    (it’s just a childish nightmare…)
    all i ‘ve sought was love”
    – That is so close to my own perception of things. People sometimes tell me that I live in my own closed world, that I’m a bit absent-minded at times. I guess I’m just a dreamer and that’s how artists usually feel. Your poem gives me a feeling that I’m not alone with it. Thank you for that.

  11. “half awake i wander through my day
    sometimes dreaming
    sometimes fearing
    the corners of my own thoughts
    as if there were some evil there”…

    There is so much truth in this. Actually there is evil in the mind. Consciousness is evil. The mind corrupts and distorts everything. I should know… my mind is my greatest enemy.

  12. Great! wow… I love this! I agree with jadepaloma… I am going to read more of your stuff later when I have time:) You are very talented!

  13. floating with only the sound of my heart beat
    then vibrant like the sound
    a morning sunrise should make

    This provoked the most beautiful sounds to me. I love how you hold fast to the childish nature and then twist it to the fate of men.

  14. I read this again… it is amazing! It is so deep! I could never write like this. I just write quick… i don’t think much and I am sure i break all the rules when I write. I really really like this poem! I think I will read it again… keep it up!

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